New Year Resolutions That You Can Keep

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Letter to the Dogs & Cats

Divorce Online from £65.00

 

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' A*s. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,

Your Owner

Doctor's Notes

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 

Year Of The Blonde

January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!

May Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October Hate M & M's...... They are so hard to peel.

November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Prayer Time

WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
One who'll pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand..

Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean..
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother...

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit..

US Medical Insurance Explained

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase "HEY MOE " ; Its roots
go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who
discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot
if he was poked hard enough in the eye .

  
Q . I just joined an HMO .   How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents . Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the
plan   The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are
no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are
no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world
country .

  
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No.  Only those you need.

  
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment

  
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment .

 Q My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand .  I tried the generic medication, but it gave me
a stomach ache  What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye

 Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick ?
A . You really shouldn't do that

 Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem .   Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his/her office ?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot .

 Q Will health care be different in the next decade ?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then .

Think It Over Long And Hard

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 
'You better think it over, Bob.  Women like that are hard to find.'